Saturday, November 7, 2009

Behind The Wall Of Autism

Sitting here thinking of what stops me from talking to people and the thought I had was something like this.....

My autism is my enemy. I hate to word it that way but it is sort of like that.

I need to "fight it" so I can interact with people. It is like a trap sometimes. I remember when I first came on the boards and for a little while my enemy left. I was able to post and interact everyday with people. It was like the door opened. It was so easy. I did not have a hard time interacting with others. It was like a moment in my life that what is so hard was not so hard. Like if autism is a wall between me and others. For a short while the wall went away and I was not isolating.

Thing is I am sitting here trying to figure out what happened. The wall came back a long time ago and I don't know why and I can't figure out how it went down before. I dont know how I got so sociable in the first place.

It is like I was so outgoing. Then KABOOM.. The wall came back up and I can't get it to go away again. Then I am super depressed because I miss all of you. Was it just a fluke that my wall went down since through most my life I have been isolated? Or did something specific happen to make my wall go away? I dont know the answer. But I want to know the answer. I had a place with others when my wall was down. Now I fight to understand how to battle the wall so I can have my place back again.

I am high functioning but even being able to talk means nothing if you cant reach out to someone to talk to them in the first place. I am stuck in my own imagination. I daydream that I am still with you all. With my friends. Its sort of like pretending I am still sociable. I guess that happens from isolation. I deep inside want to be with people but my enemy/autism keeps getting in the way.

There is no cure for this. Only hope for others not to hate me for being like this.

I know just from tonight. My friend Caro took my wall down for me when she called. It must be that because here I am posting away. Its like she pulled me to the other side of the wall and then I am with you guys again.

Autistics needs more Caro's who call us from our world and brings us back to their world. To help us stay in touch with others.

The wall came down tonight and a blog is written. A page in a book that can only be written when my enemy leaves and I can see the others side of the wall and I leap the wall and a glimpse of my world I can then share to all of you. Tomorrow will be another day and another wall and I will be waiting for the next moment when I can share even more of my world.

Maybe one day there will be no more wall and my world and the world of normal will be together. I will be understood by you and you will be understood by me.

The bridge will be there between autism and others and when that happens the battle will be over. So tonight I will share my world with you before this window closes.

Until the next time...

((HUGS to you all))



copingincalifornia said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I love your blog. Write more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carolina Clay said...


So glad the wall is down for now. You are an amazing communicator, so we just need to figure out how to keep the wall down permanently.

Welcome back!


Pat said...

Aspiegirl, thank you for sharing what it's like to live behind and within your wall.

I'm so glad you are able to take it down every so often. Maybe one day it will be low enough that you can just step over it whenever you want to.

MissSally said...

Hi Aspigirl,

I am another fan of your talent in its many forms.

In this blog, you seemed to describe the wall as coming down in front of you. Then later, Caro pulled you over it.

Maybe, if you can hold fast to the thought that you have other options when faced with the wall, (going over rather than through it), that tiny bit of knowledge will be helpful.

For me, life is about building a toolbox of coping skills for the times when life smacks me in the face. It's one way I use to help break the cycles of helplessness and hopelessness which emerge as patterns to be overcome.

Thank you for this powerful blog.

LoriF said...

Kathie, I met you in Columbus, OH in that crazy handshake lineup that went around the corner and down the street, and around the next corner, and...well, you remember. :-)
I was so proud of you for being there in that ginormous crowd of people, and for sticking in until you got to shake Clay's hand.
Here's hoping we have an opportunity to meet again, the next time...around the wall and down the street.

deyabird said...

I know many have said it, but I will say it too. You are an inspiration.

ImGranny said...

Thank you so much for sharing. You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself. I always look forward to seeing your posts. I'm usually pretty quiet, but I've been wanting to tell you for a long time that you are very talented - both in writing and in your artistic works.

claysweetea said...

Thank you so much, Aspie! Yes, you do have a wonderful way of expressing yourself, both in your blogs and your montages. I enjoyed your wonderful montages years ago in NC when they were playing next to cardboard Clay and was amazed. I spoke with you then to let you know. Then I stopped you in the Horseshoe Casino after the concert to say hi and let you know how much I appreciated your montages. Now, tonight, after just watching this new creation, I am simply amazed. You have such a gift and like someone else said, you are so creative and such an inspiration.