Saturday, November 7, 2009

Behind The Wall Of Autism

Sitting here thinking of what stops me from talking to people and the thought I had was something like this.....

My autism is my enemy. I hate to word it that way but it is sort of like that.

I need to "fight it" so I can interact with people. It is like a trap sometimes. I remember when I first came on the boards and for a little while my enemy left. I was able to post and interact everyday with people. It was like the door opened. It was so easy. I did not have a hard time interacting with others. It was like a moment in my life that what is so hard was not so hard. Like if autism is a wall between me and others. For a short while the wall went away and I was not isolating.

Thing is I am sitting here trying to figure out what happened. The wall came back a long time ago and I don't know why and I can't figure out how it went down before. I dont know how I got so sociable in the first place.

It is like I was so outgoing. Then KABOOM.. The wall came back up and I can't get it to go away again. Then I am super depressed because I miss all of you. Was it just a fluke that my wall went down since through most my life I have been isolated? Or did something specific happen to make my wall go away? I dont know the answer. But I want to know the answer. I had a place with others when my wall was down. Now I fight to understand how to battle the wall so I can have my place back again.

I am high functioning but even being able to talk means nothing if you cant reach out to someone to talk to them in the first place. I am stuck in my own imagination. I daydream that I am still with you all. With my friends. Its sort of like pretending I am still sociable. I guess that happens from isolation. I deep inside want to be with people but my enemy/autism keeps getting in the way.

There is no cure for this. Only hope for others not to hate me for being like this.

I know just from tonight. My friend Caro took my wall down for me when she called. It must be that because here I am posting away. Its like she pulled me to the other side of the wall and then I am with you guys again.

Autistics needs more Caro's who call us from our world and brings us back to their world. To help us stay in touch with others.

The wall came down tonight and a blog is written. A page in a book that can only be written when my enemy leaves and I can see the others side of the wall and I leap the wall and a glimpse of my world I can then share to all of you. Tomorrow will be another day and another wall and I will be waiting for the next moment when I can share even more of my world.

Maybe one day there will be no more wall and my world and the world of normal will be together. I will be understood by you and you will be understood by me.

The bridge will be there between autism and others and when that happens the battle will be over. So tonight I will share my world with you before this window closes.

Until the next time...

((HUGS to you all))